3 posts from July 2007

Since I don't know how to be anything but honest. I find I am having a hard time coming up with the inspiration required for me to write. That is one of the main reasons to start a blog. I need to get back into the routine of writing regularly. Pen and paper journaling just doesn't do anything for me anymore. With a paper journal I have no audience except myself and that makes me care less for structure and proper wordage. Ever since a few years ago, I was angry with myself and my writing ability, I haven't been able to write anything with substance since. That night I took everything I had ever written and threw it into the fire. A huge mistake. Something I'll be kicking myself for the rest of my life. All that blood, sweat and tears I poured out on paper is gone, like it's existence snapped out of memory, forever.

It shouldn't have mattered that I was a far cry from Shakespeare. I am not sure Shakespeare was enough of a  Shakespeare for Shakespeare(if that makes any sense) as it is under speculation on how many of his works were actually written by his hand.

Part of me is struggling with the whole self worth issue. When an idea sparks in my head with a possible subject to write about I clam up and the bully in my head ridicules me for even thinking I might have something of value to write about. I know that if I adhere to this long enough I have a chance at retraining the way I think and in turn will eventually silence that bully once and for all.

Creeva has dragged me kicking and screaming into the web 2.0 era. It's not that I thought it was a horrible idea. Actually I thought it was quite a wonderful... that is... for everyone else. It's just that I am an extremely private person and excruciatingly shy. The idea of a complete stranger having access to any personal and private information about me nearly threw me head long into a panic attack.

You see I am what they call a Constitutionalist or least that is what I consider myself to be. The second amendment is very near and dear to me. For me it is the very essence of freedom. So I pretty much shrugged off the idea of blogging and sharing my thoughts, feelings - my life, as "not for someone like me".

Until one day something clicked. It was one of those days where I was ranting and raving at some new horror I had just discovered that existed in MY world. I felt helpless. Like I had no voice. I felt as if could scream and scream until there was no more breath in me and not a sound would part from my lips. It is quite a little nightmare of mine. Anyway, I was once again feeling like I was in the minority with my seemingly unpatriotic views. I realized that no matter how I personally rebelled against the injustices of the world. No matter how long I stood ranting and raving in my living room, it wasn't constructive.  It wouldn't change anything. It wasn't doing me any good. Except for an unhealthy spike of my blood pressure. That's when it dawned on me that by not taking full advantage of the technology that is available to me today, I was in a way, denying myself my first amendment rights. That and I was running out of excuses to tell Creeva why I couldn't give it a try.

So my hopes is that by channeling some of my anger, fears and joys into this little space and time, I can flush out ideas, opinions and evolve as a person. And maybe... just maybe... one day I'll actually get up the nerve to share some of these pages with all of you.